Chapter XX —
ENGAGED TO MANAGE THE HOTEL—THE DOCTOR MY STAR BOARDER—DISCHARGING ALL
THE HELP—HIRING THEM OVER AGAIN—THE DOCTOR AS TABLE WAITER—THE
LANDLADY AND THE DOCTOR COLLIDE—THE ARRIVAL OF TWO HUS’LERS—HOW I
MANAGED THEM—THE LANDLADY GOES VISITING—I RE-MODELED THE HOUSE—MY
CHAMBERMAID ELOPES—HIRING A DUTCHMAN TO TAKE HER PLACE—DUTCHY IN
DISGUISE—I FOOLED THE DOCTOR—DUTCHY AND THE IRISH SHOEMAKER.
We held frequent consultations, and discussed the situation with a
feeling that our prospects were not the brightest. I again ventured to
suggest that I ought to get out and “hus’le,” as winter would soon be
upon us, and my family would need money.
This threw him into a frenzy at once, and he reminded me that to leave
him there in that predicament would be a violation of faith and true[Pg 305]
business principles. He seemed determined that we should live or die
together.
One day I said to him:
“Doctor, the old landlady ought to have some one to manage her business,
and——”
“Well,” he quickly answered, “I’d make a devilish fine appearance trying
to run this dizzy old house, wouldn’t I?”
“No, but why couldn’t I run it, and you be my ‘star’ boarder?”
“Well, that’ll do, that’ll do; that’s different, quite different.”
“You know, Doctor,” said I, “we are in debt for board, and whatever we
undertake must be done with much care and precision. Now, you go to the
old landlady and tell her I am a practical hotel man, and the most
trustworthy, energetic, economical and pushing sort of fellow you ever
knew; and that she ought to hire me to take full charge of the house.”
This idea pleased him mightily, and he said he believed he could fix it,
and would try.
“Yes, I believe you can, if it can be done, for I know the old lady is a
little bit gone on you, any how. I remember of seeing you and her in the
up-stairs hall, the other day, talking in a way that showed pretty
plainly how things stand.”
“Well there!” he screamed, “that’s the latest. Now you’ll have
something else to harp on, you young scapegrace, and without the
slightest foundation for it. Do you think I am a fool? Do you think I’d
recommend you to that old lady, when you are on the verge of
scandalizing both her and myself? Not much—not much, sir; and I’ll sue
you for slander if you ever hint such a thing; and I’ll get judgment,
too, and——”
“Yes,” I interrupted, “and I suppose you would attach my dozen bottles
of Incomprehensible Compound to satisfy the judgment.”
I then convinced him that I was only joking. Shortly afterwards he
called on the old lady, and did as I requested.
She called me into the sitting-room and asked how I thought I would like
to take charge of her house.
I told her I would take the position provided I could have full charge
of everything, the same as if I owned the house.
She said that was just what she would like, and inquired what salary I
wanted. I told her one hundred dollars per month, and board for family.
She offered me seventy-five, and agreed to sign papers.
I accepted, and the next morning took possession.
My first move was to call the help all together and promptly discharge
them. The old lady came running down stairs, as soon as she heard of
this, and demanded an explanation.
I reminded her that I was landlord, and that if she would retire to her
room and remain there quietly, all would come out right. The Doctor said
I knew less about running a hotel than I did about medicine, or I never
would have done such a trick as that.
I waited till the discharged help were ready to leave, and had called at
the office for their pay, when I began a compromise, and succeeded in
hiring all over again except two dining-room girls, at less than their
regular wages. But I promised an increase to those who took an interest
and worked for an advancement.
The Doctor was elated with the prospects, and fairly danced with
delight.
“And now, Johnston, for some of those cream biscuit you have told us
about. Now you have a chance to see how it is yourself, to be landlord.”
The second day of my experience, we had about forty extra come to
dinner—men in attendance[Pg 308] at a Convention. I was short of help in the
dining room, and also short of prepared victuals.
I immediately visited the Doctor in his apartment, explained the
situation, and asked why he couldn’t come into the dining room and help
wait on table. He protested against it, but I gave him to understand
that it was a case of absolute necessity.
He swore a few oaths, and said it showed how much sense I had, to
discharge my help the first thing.
As an incentive for him to act, I ventured the remark that the landlady
was going to help, and would like him to do so if he could.
“Is she going to help? Well, then, all right. I’ll help you out this one
time, but never again.”
I took him to the dining room, and after he took his coat off, put a
large white apron on him and gave him a few instructions. We had five
kinds of meat, and I posted him thoroughly as to what he should say to
the guests.
Directly I called dinner, and the tables were soon filled.
The Doctor watched from the kitchen for the cue from me to make a start.
When I gave it he entered in his shirt-sleeves, with the large apron[Pg 311]
on, carrying an immense tray in one hand and his gold-headed cane in the
other, and had forgotten to take his plug hat off. It was setting on the
back of his head, and his appearance was grotesque in the extreme.
He gave me a look of disgust as he marched in, and faltered for a
moment, as though not quite certain where to commence. Then he made
another start, and stepping up to the nearest man, rested the tray on
the back of his chair, and stood partially leaning on his cane; and
looking over his glasses, said:
“Roast beef, roast mutton, roast—well, roast mutton, roast meat,
roast— —— it! we have twenty-one different kinds of meat. What’ll you
have?”
By this time I had been forced to leave the room for laughter, returning
as soon as I could command myself. The Doctor was up to his ears in
business. Perspiring profusely, and much excited, he still hung to his
cane and plug hat. He was absolutely the most comical sight I had ever
witnessed.
When I met the Doctor at the kitchen door, with the tray piled up with
several orders, he took time to say:
“—— it! I thought you said the landlady was going to help.”
For fear he would quit, I ran to the stair-way and called her. She came
down, and I explained as quickly as possible, and she said she would
help; and putting on an apron, began work immediately.
We had Lima beans for dinner, and being a little short on them, were
obliged to dish them out in small quantities. The Doctor served one man
who, with one swoop, took into his mouth all he had, in one spoonful,
and immediately handed his dish back to the Doctor, saying:
“Here, waiter, bring me another bean!”
HERE, WAITER, BRING ME ANOTHER BEAN.—PAGE 312
The Doctor struck a dramatic attitude, and glared over his
spectacles—one hand clasped the middle of his cane, and his plug hat
poised side-wise on the back of his head, and he shouted excitedly:
“Sir, I want you to understand we know how many beans there was in
that dish. Besides, I’m—I’m—I’m no —— table waiter, and I demand
that you address me differently. In short, I demand satisfaction for
your cussed insolence, sir!”
Every man in the dining room dropped his knife and fork and looked on in
astonishment.[Pg 313] The gentleman addressed by the Doctor apologized to his
entire satisfaction, and matters went on smoothly until just as the
Doctor was making for the dining room with a tray full for two
newcomers. The landlady, with a tray full of dirty dishes, met him at
the kitchen door. She had attempted to pass back through the wrong
passage-way, and a general collision was the result. The Doctor had
gotten just far enough along so that every dish on his tray went
crashing on the dining-room floor, and a cup of hot tea went into the
top of one shoe. Before he fairly realized whom he had collided with, he
broke out with a volley of oaths sufficient to turn the old lady’s hair
white in a few seconds.
I hastened to the rescue, and instantly reminded him of the awful fact
that he was cussing the landlady. He lost no time in apologizing
politely, and assured her that he alone was to blame for the mishap.
The man who had been forced to make an apology to the Doctor a few
moments before, was immensely pleased, and when about to leave the
table, cried out:
“Professor, had you counted those beans before you dropped the dishes?”
The Doctor then said he guessed the rush was over now, and he would
leave it for us to finish; after which he repaired to his room, and
after making his toilet preparatory to eating dinner, sent for me and
requested that I arrange with the landlady to dine with him, which of
course I did, and also promised him that I would have my favorite cream
biscuit for tea that night.
Matters went on very nicely, with the exception of experiencing
considerable trouble in getting good chambermaids and table-waiters. The
Doctor declared point blank that he would never, under any
circumstances, wait on table again; so I saw the necessity of securing
suitable help at once.
A few days later, two young men came to the hotel, registered, and began
hus’ling around in a manner that reminded me of my late patent-right
partner and myself in Indiana.
I spotted them at once and began taking notes on their manners. We had
had cream biscuit for supper twice; and as all were unanimous in
pronouncing them very fine, I had given orders to have them again on the
day of the arrival of my two hus’lers. I gave my opinion of them to the
Doctor, and remarked that they would have to settle in advance before I
would give them a room.
He reminded me that I should not forget how convenient I had found it
to be confided in by the different landlords, and that I should not be
too rough on them. I fully agreed with him; but I had experienced the
truth of the fact that only a small percentage of men were ever able to
pay such bills, after getting behind, even though they had a disposition
to do so. Consequently, I determined to commence right, and try and keep
right.
That night, while the Doctor and several others were in the office, and
while I was behind the counter, one of the young men came in from up
town, having just visited the barber shop; and with his silk hat
slightly tipped to one side of his head, and one kid glove on, stepped
over near me, and after telling the latest story in his blandest and
most fascinating manner, turned to me and said:
“Landlord, how about cream biscuit for supper? I hear you have——”
He was interrupted right then and there; for laying my hand gently on
his shoulder, I said in a firm voice:
“You have got to pay in advance, sir.”
“What’s up?” he asked, excitedly.
“There is nothing up, sir,” I answered, “but you have got to settle
right off. The cream biscuit racket don’t go, with me. Pay up, or you
can’t stay.”
He said he would pay up till the next day, which he did, and then went
in to supper.
THE DOCTOR A “STAR” BOARDER
During this interview the Doctor had commenced to laugh, and almost
danced the Highland Fling in his gleeful excitement, and attempt to
leave the room. As soon as the door had closed on the young man, he
returned, and laughed and hopped around in his characteristic manner,
and said:
“Why the cussed fool might have known that he couldn’t have said a thing
on earth that would have put you onto him as quick as to flatter the
cream biscuit.”
In less than three minutes the other hus’ler came in, and rushed up to
the wash-stand to make his toilet. The Doctor looked at him over his
specs, with a broad grin on his countenance.
After washing and combing his hair, he told a funny story, and said:
“Put us down for a good room, landlord. You have a nice hotel, landlord.
It’s everything in knowing how to run a house.”
He then placed his hands behind him and backed up to the stove.
I glanced over towards the Doctor, who by this time was in the farther
corner of the office, with one hand over his mouth, and the other
holding his hat and cane; and one foot in the air, ready to make a break
for out of doors.
I answered the young man by saying:
“Yes, sir, it’s everything in knowing how to run a hotel; and you have
got to pay in advance if you stay here.”
“Well, I am surprised, landlord; but I supposed you were a good enough
judge of character to know the difference between a gentleman and a dead
beat.”
I assured him that I didn’t doubt his honesty, but I was willing to
wager that he hadn’t money enough to pay one week in advance. And as it
took money to keep things running and——
“And buy cream biscuit,” shouted the Doctor,——
—— I had got to have my pay in advance.
He then acknowledged that he was a little short, but would probably be
able to pay the next day. I told him he could have his supper, lodging
and breakfast, but nothing more.
The next morning they both came to me and owned up that they were
“broke.”
I then hired one of them for hostler and the other for clerk.
About this time I succeeded in getting the landlady’s consent to
re-model a part of the house. She said she didn’t care to be bothered
with it, nor to remain there and listen to the noise; so she would go
and visit her friends in Detroit, and leave me to fix things to suit
myself. She said also she had all confidence in me, and felt certain I
would do even better than she could.
Before leaving, she instructed me to go ahead and get what I wanted, as
her credit was good anywhere.
By the time had fairly reached the depot to take the train, I had
engaged several carpenters, painters, plasterers, bricklayers, and teams
to do our hauling.
I very soon had the old hotel in a condition suitable for business, by
tearing down old partitions, building up new ones, papering and painting
thoroughly, and adding a lot of new furniture and carpets.
I had the whole outside of the old shell painted, a portion of which I
ordered done in brick-color, and penciled.
The latter part, the neighbors claimed, fooled the landlady so badly,
when she returned a few weeks later, that she didn’t know when she
arrived home, and kept right on up street, making inquiries and looking
for her hotel. How much truth there was in this statement I do not know,
but I well remember the expression on her countenance when I answered
her query of how much the whole thing would cost, by informing her that
I didn’t think it would amount to over fifteen hundred dollars. I
remember how she fell back on the sofa in a sort of swoon, and when she
recovered herself, faltered out that she was ruined forever.
I very soon convinced her, however, that the improvements had greatly
enhanced the value of her property; and she seemed to appreciate my
services more than ever.
During her absence of several weeks, the Doctor and I had some very
interesting times.
The day after her departure our chambermaid eloped with one of the
boarders. I advertised for help immediately, but without success.
About this time a young Teutonic fellow came along, and asked for
something to eat. After giving him his dinner, I asked if he was
looking[Pg 322] for work. He said he was, and would work mighty cheap.
I asked if he would like to be a chambermaid, and make up beds, and
sweep. He exclaimed:
“Oh, yah, yah; I youst so goot a shampermait as notting else.”
“Well then, Dutchy, I’ll give you four dollars per week, provided I can
find a coat and vest for you to wear, as yours is too rough-looking for
that business.”
I then took him up-stairs and made a vigorous search for second-hand
clothes, but found none. I next entered the room previously occupied by
the late runaway maid, and found three old dresses and a hoop skirt left
by her. I took a dress from the nail, and picking up the hoop skirt
said:
“Here, Dutchy, put these on.”
DUTCHY AS CHAMBERMAID.—PAGE 321
He shook his head slowly, and indicated to me that he wouldn’t do it. I
reminded him that he was in my employ, and must obey me.
Then he took off his coat and vest, and was about to divest himself of
his other garments, when I instructed him to leave them on, and told him
how nice the dress would be to keep his comparatively new pants clean.
After donning the dress, which fitted him well and was quite becoming
to him, I borrowed the Doctor’s razor, and he shaved himself clean, and
parted his fair, bushy hair in the middle; and there, before me, to all
appearances was a typical German girl. He entered upon his duties at
once. The Doctor said he guessed we would have no more serious trouble
with chambermaid elopements. I told him I wasn’t so certain about that,
and invited him up-stairs to see Dutchy.
When we came to the room where I had left him, I said: “Go right in,
Doctor; you will find Dutchy there. I’ll be back in a minute.”
The Doctor bolted in, and immediately dodged back, and cried out:
“Johnston, there is a woman in there!”
“Oh, thunder! you have lost your head, since the landlady left.”
This was enough; and he opened up on me with several volleys of oaths,
and offered to bet me the price of a new hat that there was a woman in
that room making up beds. I took the bet and entered the room, the
Doctor following, and immediately crying out:
“There, smarty, there! Guess you will learn to believe what I tell you,
once in a while.”
“But I have won, Doctor.”
“Johnston, do you claim now you bet there was a woman in here?”
“No, sir; but I’ll bet the price of another hat that I can prove to you
that I have won.”
“All right, sir; I’ll take you.”
We shook hands on it, and I said:
“Dutchy, come around here and show the Doctor your pants.”
He did so; and the Doctor didn’t know whether to believe his own eyes or
not. I asked when he would buy me the two hats. He said: “Never! I’ll be
—— if I will be taken in on any confidence game.”
I agreed to let it go, if he would keep still about Dutchy’s dress, and
furnish a razor for him to shave with every morning. He promised, and we
had a hearty laugh over the matter.
The next day, as I was passing through the hall-way, Dutchy came to the
door of the room where he was working, and said:
“Mr. Johnston, I find a pair of pants here youst exactly like mine.”
I stepped in, and sure enough, there hung a pair in the Irish
shoemaker’s room, the exact counterpart of Dutchy’s.
I explained to Dutchy that we would have a little fun with the
Irishman, and told him to wait for instructions from me before he
attempted to play his part.
I then took the pants down to the office, and let the Doctor into the
secret.
The next Saturday the Irishman came rushing down stairs in great
excitement, and reported the loss of his pants. I said:
“Well, Irish, if you don’t find them, I’ll go with you to pick out
another pair.”
“But, be the Howly Moses! will yez pay for thim?”
I told him I’d see that he paid for them. He threatened to leave, but
the Doctor helped to quiet him down.
I then found Dutchy and told him to try and call at the Irishman’s room
the next day when he was in, and manage in some way to raise his dress,
so that the Irishman would get a glimpse of his pants. He assured me he
would fix that all right.
On Sunday morning, about ten o’clock, Irish came rushing down stairs on
the jump, rushed up to me, and said:
“Be the Howly St. Crispin and Moses in the bulrushes! May the divil fly
away wid me if I haven’t found moy pants!”
“Good! Good! Where were they?”
“Howly Moses! come wid me to wan side. I’ll tell yez on the quiet.”
“Never mind about the quiet, Irish. Sing out; tell everybody.”
“Oh, be jabers! ye’d laste expect to find thim where I seed thim.”
“Well, tell us.”
“Yes, tell us,” said the Doctor.
“Well,” he hesitatingly said, “be the howly shmoke, the ould chambermaid
has thim on, as sure as I’m a loive Irishman!”
“Oh, nonsense!” I replied. “You ought to be ashamed of yourself, to come
down here in the presence of these men and try to injure the character
of that poor chambermaid.”
“By the great horned spoon! but she has the pants on, and Oi’ll have
thim, charackther or no charackther, Misther Landlord!”
“Well, now, see here, Irish, I’ll bet the cigars for the crowd, that she
hasn’t got your pants on.”
“All right, sir, all right, sir; I’ll take that bet.”
While we were shaking hands on the bet, the Doctor took a bundle from
under the counter containing the pants and ran up to the Irishman’s
room, and hung them up.
We then went up-stairs, accompanied by several bystanders, and after
reaching the Irishman’s room, I called to the chambermaid to come in.
Irish stood waiting for me to introduce the subject to the maid, and I
waited for him. I then turned to him and said:
“Well, Irish, prove your case.”
“Well, be jabers! d’ye s’pose I am going to insult this lady? Not by a
dang sight, pants or no pants.”
I turned to Dutchy and said:
“Have you got Irish’s pants on?”
“Nix; I youst got my own pants.”
“Well, come around here, Dutchy, and show Irish your pants.”
Obeying my order, the dress was raised, exposing the pants to view.
Irish straightened himself up, and in a very triumphant manner, said:
“Well, there, Misther Landlord, I giss yez are quite well satisfied.
I’ll take the cigars, and the pay for thim pants, if yez plaise.”
I turned round and said:
“Whose pants are these hanging here, Irish? Did you have two pair
alike?”
He looked at them and said:
“Be gobs! she took thim off while me back was turned.”
I then offered to bet him the cigars that she didn’t.
He said he’d bet no more, but he knew there was some chicanery, or dom
hy-pocritical prognostication, somewhere.
I then asked the chambermaid to raise the dress again, which was done,
and Irish left the room disgusted, and muttering a few oaths to himself.
Afterwards he paid the cigars for the crowd.
He then asked if I wud explain what the divil right any chambermaid had
to wear pants, anyhow.
I answered that it was none of my business, and I hoped I was too much
of a gentleman to meddle with other people’s private affairs.
This last assertion offended him very much, and he quickly gave me to
understand that he was as much of a gintleman as I was and niver failed
to moind his own business.
I told him that might be, but it was very strange to me how he should
make such singular discoveries.
He then made a full explanation, and I overlooked it all.
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