Contents
MY APOLOGY.
Chapter I —
Date and place of birth—My Mother’s second marriage—A kind
step-father—Raising a flock of sheep from a pet lamb—An established
reputation—Anxious to speculate—Frequent combats at home—How I
conquered a foe—What a phrenologist said—A reconciliation—Breaking
steers—Mysterious disappearance of a new fence—My confession—My trip
to New York—The transformation scene—My return home with my fiddle.
Chapter II —
My mother wishes me to learn a trade—My burning desire to be a
live-stock dealer—Employed by a deaf drover to do his hearing—How I
amused myself at his expense and misfortune.
Chapter III —
Selling and trading off my flock of sheep—Co-partnership formed with a
neighbor boy—Our dissolution—My continuance in business—Collapse of a
chicken deal—Destruction of a wagon load of eggs—Arrested and fined my
last dollar—Arrived home “broke.”
Chapter IV —
Borrowing money from Mr. Keefer—Buying and selling sheep pelts—How I
succeeded—A co-partnership in the restaurant business—Buying out my
partner—Collapsed—More help from Mr. Keefer—Horses and Patent rights.
Chapter V —
Swindled out of a horse and watch—More help from Mr. Keefer—How I got
even in the watch trade—My patent right trip to Michigan and
Indiana—Its results—How a would-be sharper got come up with.
Chapter VI —
My new acquaintance and our co-partnership—Three weeks’ experience
manufacturing soap—The collapse—How it happened—Broke again—More
help from Mr. Keefer—A trip to Indiana—Selling prize soap with a
circus—Arrested and fined for conducting a gift enterprise—Broke
again.
Chapter VII —
Eleven days on a farm—How I fooled the farmer—Arrived at
Chicago—Running a fruit stand—Collapsed—My return home—Broke
again—A lucky trade.
Chapter VIII —
Three dollars well invested—Learning telegraphy—Getting in debt—A
full-fledged operator—My first telegraph office—Buying and selling
ducks and frogs while employed as operator—My
resignation—Co-partnership in the jewelry and spectacle business—How
we succeeded—Our dissolution.
Chapter IX —
Continuing the jewelry and spectacle business alone—Trading a watch
chain for a horse—Peddling on horseback—Trading jewelry for a harness
and buggy—Selling at wholesale—Retiring from the jewelry business.
Chapter X —
Great success as an insurance agent—Sold out—Arrived at
Chicago—Selling government goods—Acquiring dissipated habits—Engaged
to be married—Broke among strangers—How I made a raise—My arrival
home.
Chapter XI —
More help from Mr. Keefer—Off to see my girl—Embarked in the
Agricultural-implement business without capital—Married—Sold out—In
the grocery business—Collapsed—Running a billiard hall—Collapsed
again—Newspaper reporter for a mysterious murder.
Chapter XII —
More help from Mr. Keefer—Six weeks as a horse-trainer—A mysterious
partner—Collapsed—How I made a raise—Home again—Father to a bouncing
boy.
Chapter XIII —
Engaged in the Patent-right business—My trade with Brother Long—The
compromise—My second trade with a deacon—His Sunday honesty and
week-day economy—A new partner—The landlord and his cream
biscuits—How we headed him off—A trade for a balky horse—How we
persuaded him to go—Our final settlement with the landlord.
Chapter XIV —
Our trip through Indiana—How I fooled a telegraph operator—The old
landlord sends recipe for cream biscuit—Our return to Ohio—Becoming
agents for a new patent—Our valise stolen—Return to Ft. Wayne—Waiting
six weeks for Patent-right papers—Busted—Staving off the washerwoman
for five weeks—”The Kid” and ‘de exchange act’—How the laundry woman
got even with us—The landlord on the borrow—How we borrowed of
him—Replenishing our wardrobe—Paying up the hotel bill.
Chapter XV —
Our visit to La Grange, Ind.—Traded for a horse—Followed by an
officer, with a writ of replevin—Putting him on the wrong scent—His
return to the hotel—The horse captured—Broke again—How I made a
raise.
Chapter XVI —
Arriving at Elmore, Ohio, stranded—Receiving eight dollars on a Patent
right sale—Dunned in advance by the landlord—Changing hotels—My visit
to Fremont—Meeting Mr. Keefer and borrowing money—Our visit to
Findlay—A big deal—Losing money in wheat—Followed by officers with a
writ of replevin—Outwitting them—A four-mile chase—Hiding our rig in
a cellar.
Chapter XVII —
Visiting my family at Elmore—How we fooled a detective—A friend in
need—Arriving at Swanton, Ohio, broke—How I made a raise—Disguising
my horse with a coat of paint—Captured at Toledo—Selling my
horse—Arrived home broke.
Chapter XVIII —
Mr. Keefer called from home—My mother refuses me a loan—Peddling
furniture polish on foot—Having my fortune told—My trip through
Michigan—Arrested for selling without license—”It never rains but it
pours”—Collapsed—A good moral—Making a raise.
Chapter XIX —
My co-partnership with a Clairvoyant doctor—Our lively trip from
Ypsilanti to Pontiac, Michigan—Poor success—The doctor and his Irish
patient—My prescription for the deaf woman—Collapsed, and in debt for
board.
Chapter XX —
Engaged to manage the hotel—The doctor my star boarder—Discharging all
the help—Hiring them over again—The doctor as table waiter—The
landlady and the doctor collide—The arrival of two hus’lers—How I
managed them—The landlady goes visiting—I re-modeled the house—My
chambermaid elopes—Hiring a Dutchman to take her place—Dutchy in
disguise—I fooled the doctor—Dutchy and the Irish shoemaker.
Chapter XXI —
The doctor swindled—How we got even—Diamond cut diamond—The doctor
peddling stove-pipe brackets—His first customer—His mishap and
demoralized condition—The doctor and myself invited to a country
dance—He the center of attraction—The doctor in love with a cross-eyed
girl—Engaged to take her home—His plan frustrated—He gets even with
me—We conclude to diet him—The landlady returns—Does not know the
house.
Chapter XXII —
Out of a position—Moved to Ann Arbor—How I made a raise—A return to
furniture polish—Selling experience—Hauling coke—My summer clothes in
a snow-storm—A gloomy Christmas—An attack of bilious
fever—Establishing an enforced credit—The photograph I sent my
mother—Engaged as an auctioneer at Toledo, Ohio—My first sale.
Chapter XXIII —
A successful auctioneer—Playing a double role—Illustrating an auction
sale.
Chapter XXIV —
My employer called home—I continue to hus’le—An auctioneering
co-partnership—Still in a double role—A neat, tidy, quiet
boarding-house—We move to a hotel—A practical joke—Auctioneering for
merchants—Making a political speech—Getting mixed.
Chapter XXV —
I continue to sell for merchants—Well prepared for winter—Trading a
shot-gun for a horse and wagon—Auctioneering for myself—Mr. Keefer
needing help—How I responded—Turning my horse out to pasture—Engaged
to sell on commission—How I succeeded—Out of a job—Busted—How I made
a raise—A return to the Incomprehensible—Peddling with a horse and
wagon—Meeting an old friend—Misery likes company—We hus’le
together—Performing a surgical operation—A pugilistic encounter—Our
Wild-west stories—Broke again—A hard customer—Another raise.
Chapter XXVI —
Helping a tramp—We dissolve partnership—My auction sale for the
farmer—How I settled with him—I resume the auction business for
myself—My horse trade—I start for Michigan.
Chapter XXVII —
Auctioneering at the Michigan State Fair—Three days’ co-partnership
with a showman—My partner’s family on exhibition—Our
success—Traveling northward—Business increases—Frequent trades in
horses and wagons—The possessor of a fine turn-out—Mr. Keefer again
asks assistance—How I responded—Traveling with an ox-team and cart—A
great attraction—Sold out—Traveling by rail—My return to
Ohio—Meeting the clairvoyant doctor—How I fooled him—Quail, twelve
dollars a dozen—The doctor loses his appetite.
Chapter XXVIII —
A co-partnership formed in the auction business—How it ended—A new
friend—His generosity—Exhibiting a talking machine—It failed to
talk—How I entertained the audience—In the role of a Phrenologist.
Chapter XXIX —
In the auction business again—A new conveyance for street sales—My
trip through the lumber regions—A successful summer campaign—A
winter’s trip through the south—My return to Grand Rapids, Mich.—A
trip to Lake Superior—Selling needles as a side issue—How I did
it—State license demanded by an officer—How I turned the tables on
him—Buying out a country store—A great sale of paper-cambric dress
patterns—A compromise with the buyers—My return to Chicago—Flush and
flying high.
Chapter XXX —
Buying out a large stock of merchandise—On the road again—Six weeks in
each town—Muddy roads and poor trade—Closing out at auction—Saved my
credit but collapsed—Peddling polish and jewelry—Wholesaling
jewelry—Fifty dollars and lots of experience my stock in trade—Tall
“hus’ling” and great success—An offer from a wholesale jewelry
firm—Declined with thanks—Hus’ling again—Great success.
Chapter XXXI —
Robbed of a trunk of jewelry—Only a small stock left—A terrible
calamity—Collapsed—An empty sample-case my sole possession—Peddling
polish again—Making a raise—Unintentional generosity breaks me
up—Meeting an old partner—The wholesaler supplies me with
jewelry—Hus’ling again with great success—Making six hundred dollars
in one day—My health fails me—I return to Ohio—A physician gives me
but two years to live—How I fooled him.
Chapter XXXII —
A friend loans me twenty-five dollars—My arrival in Chicago—Forty
dollars’ worth of goods on credit—I leave for Michigan—Effecting a
sale by stratagem—Great success during the summer—Enforcing a
credit—Continued success—Opening an office in the city—Paying my old
debts, with interest—My trip to New York—Buying goods from the
manufacturers—My return to Chicago—Now I do hus’le—Immense success.
Chapter XXXIII —
Employing traveling salesmen—Depression in trade—Heavily in debt—How
I preserved my credit—I take to the road again—Traveling by
team—Deciding a horse-trade—My book-keeper proposes an assignment—I
reject the proposition—Collecting old debts by stratagem.
Chapter XXXIV —
Another horse trade—A heavy loss—Playing detective—My visit home—A
retrospect—Calling in my agents—A new scheme—It’s a winner—Mr.
Keefer and my mother visit Chicago—His verdict, “It does beat the
devil.”
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